He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Drunk is a universal language darling
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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