The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
