She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
