I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
