I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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