dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The adults are the big ones right?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
