something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
