yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
