Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
