fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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