Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
