Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
