your parents love me but you hate me
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
