Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
