i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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