Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
