when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
