hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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