god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
