I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
