Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize