i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
