3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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