I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
