Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
