the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
