My friends, they love my intelligence
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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