dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
