I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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