Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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