what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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