I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
