Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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