You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize