Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
