I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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