If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
