Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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