I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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