the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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