I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
