I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
whose ass print is on the piano?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
