My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
