Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
