I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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