I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
