I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He kissed a someone with a penis
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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