The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
