people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
50% drunk capacity currently
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
