Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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