you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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