Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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