I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
