He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
