sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
