I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
BRING THE BAGELS
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize