Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
