He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
