i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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