I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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