Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
