I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
