Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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