How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
