whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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