just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
