What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
