I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
