she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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