you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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